Ladies, man. You know what they love? Eating chips at midnight. Right? That's what they love. Right?
I've learned something since I've been married, right?
I used to eat chips any time I wanted, anytime, any place, right? Now I can't do it! 'cause my wife, she's gonna be pissed.
She's gonna be like, "Why are you eating chips? "
"I'm eating chips because I want to eat chips."
"You know why you're eating chips? 'Cause you're addicted to salt. Stop eating the salt. Salt is what's causing you to retain water. You look like a wet T-shirt contest winner from a small town."
So I can't eat chips in front of my wife. But I can do whatever the hell I want behind her back.
So that's what I do. I wait until she goes to bed. I open up the bag, I do my business. I eat the chips. I put the bag back.
Sometimes I wake her up in the morning with the crunch. The crunch of the bag--noisy bag crunch. She wakes up with a start!
"What was that!"
"It was just the bag of chips."
"What are you doing?! Are you eating chips?!"
"I'm just having some garden-variety midnight snacks."
"Don't you know that's unhealthy!?"
"I don't even know what's in it."
I don't know what's in it, 'cause I can't read the ingredients. The label's too small. They shrunk the label! It's like the "Da Vinci Code."
I'm eating this--I can't read this! Is there poison in these chips? Is it a conspiracy!? Am I gonna die?
I don't know. I still eat it. I love chips... I love snacks.