Doritos. Oh, Doritos.
The ultimate, uh, snack food.They are fantastic.They are so fantastic.
The only problem with Doritos is the people who eat them.
Look, if you’re gonna eat Doritos, you need to be in a recliner, you need a blanket, you need to be watching a movie, you need to be alone.
You cannot be eating Doritos in public -- you must be alone.
Because otherwise, you will be eating Doritos, you’ll be licking your fingers and people will be walking by going, “Hey, can I get some Doritos?”
And that is an invitation to get your fingers licked by a stranger....which I do not recommend.
I know it’s good to have friends, but you don’t want friends that lick your fingers.
And, you know, I’ve tried to train people not to lick my fingers.I’ve tried to say, “Look, we’re friends, but I don’t want my fingers licked.”
I’ve got enough friends.I don’t need any more.
I’ve got people that I’ve known for 30 years. I don’t know their last names.
But I’ve known them for 30 years!
I don’t know their last names..
I know their first names!
My friends will call me up and go, “Hey, man, it’s Mike.”I go, “Mike who?”“I don’t know, man.""We’ve known each other for 30 years. I don’t know your last name.”“I don’t know yours either.”“What do I do for a living?”“I don’t know, man. I don’t ask.”“Why don’t you ask?”“I don’t want to know.”“You don’t want to know what I do for a living?”“No, I don’t want to know what I do for a living.”“Why don’t you want to know what I do for a living?”“Because I don’t want to know that you don’t do anything.”
So, I don’t need any more friends.
And I definitely don’t need the friends who lick my fingers.